If you or someone you know has had an abortion, we hope that the information on this website will bring you new insights, understanding and hope.
The effects of abortion cannot be fully calculated on the front end. Even though you may have read a list of symptoms and possible side effects of abortion or you may have even heard the testimony of someone who is living with the painful aftermath of abortion, it does not have the same emotional impact as when you are experiencing these after effects first hand. Regrettably, these realizations usually don’t hit home until after it’s too late.
When faced with difficult and frightening circumstances we humans tend to look for what seems to be the quickest way out or our crisis. We latch on to this “false hope” and set our minds toward rationalizing a way of escape. But when we set our minds toward rationalizing, we block our emotions from getting involved. This emotional disconnect sets into motion a coping mechanism of denial. We then determine that we will employ this denial for the rest of our lives if that’s what it takes to live with our decision. We eventually discover however, that this denial only serves to shield us from a deeper reality that’s going on inside our soul.
If you have struggled with a past abortion, and do not know where to begin in unpacking all that you have buried, we invite you to consider some new perspectives on the subject that you may not have been open to before. Next, we encourage you to read through this website and give thought to how a past abortion has affected your life. Afterwards, if you would like to take the next steps to healing and lasting freedom, please contact us.
Today could be the start of a healing journey for you.
The following pages give a brief description of some of the common ways that abortion can wound your heart. As you read through them, see if you can identify with any of these experiences. We have also included testimonies of hope that have come from some of the women who have attended one of our Deeper Still retreats.
For the woman who’s had an abortion, her life takes on the new and determined characteristic of secrecy. She finds a place in her soul where she can hide and bury the memory of her aborted child. She has a hope that the corpse that was buried in the attic of her soul, will not give off an odor, or that the skeleton in the closet of her memories will not make noise. She discovers however, that it takes a lot of energy to mask the stench in the attic and to keep the skeleton from rattling.
Amanda for example, her life was very full and she had many blessing to enjoy and to be proud of in her family. She lived her life being very open and friendly, but there was one subject that she couldn’t talk about, or let her family in on, not even her husband. She had lived with this nagging secret for years.
After going through the Deeper Still retreat, this is what Amanda had to say: “We were all made to feel so loved by God, through all of you and also genuinely loved by each of you….I am amazed that God had it planned all along, when I thought my secret was to be kept to myself for the rest of my days. Thank you for letting me feel free to share….”
Looking for Love
Although it may take years of managing the symptoms before the post abortive woman dares to look behind that wall of denial, she comes to realize that she’s exhausted and that she can’t fix her own broken and hardened heart. She begins to acknowledge that her relationships lack the freedom of authenticity. Guilt, shame and condemnation are the guardians of her soul, and no one can gain entrance.
Another example is Shannon. She also kept her secret for years. The relationships that she had hoped would ease the pain and her feelings of hopelessness never came through for her. No one could get to the deep places of her thirsty soul.
This is what Shannon had to say after her retreat:“Deeper Still was the beginning of life for me. My life was literally transformed as a result of the love, support and truth spoken to me there. One of the biggest impacts during the retreat for me was truly feeling God’s love for me as my Heavenly Father. After a disappointing relationship with my earthly father, I literally felt the love of a Daddy I had never known. I was accepted, forgiven and loved unconditionally.”
The post abortive woman also begins to admit that she has certain expectations about her life. Retribution is stalking her, and someday when she’s unguarded and taking a few minutes to enjoy life, it will pounce on her and demand payment.
Ginger writes: “Before I went on the retreat, I was driving down the interstate crying and praying to God, that if His was going to take this baby in my womb( by miscarriage) that I would understand because of my previous abortion. However, after the retreat all I felt, and still to this day, is His amazing unconditional love and peace. My God loves me and gave me a second and a third chance to be a mom. I am incredibly blessed.”
Damaged Mother’s Heart
The mother’s heart of the post abortive woman also takes a hit. She used to cry many tears when she was alone, but that has given way to indifference and numbness. Her other children want to feel special in her eyes, but how can she offer that kind of affirmation when their brother or sister was denied that affirmation – that’s not fair!
Jill writes, after retreat:“I feel totally different in my parenting. I have felt so connected to my son, unlike I ever have…I felt a lot of shame for not nurturing my son like I desired, and for my constant irritation and anger…I view him through different eyes now and my heart loves him so much more freely…instead of resenting his needs, I am ready to try to meet them.”
Disconnected and Unable to Receive Forgiveness, Peace and Joy
A woman who has had an abortion believes that God is out there somewhere. She may even believe He can forgive her. But she suspects that God is fickle with His forgiveness, so if she’s not working hard to stay on His good side, she will forfeit all that grace she has heard about. But even if God did forgive her, she’s convinced that she could never forgive herself.
This is Amy’s testimony:“I never knew I would deal with all that I dealt with this weekend. Letting go of some of my strongholds was a liberating thing. I do finally believe that God has forgiven me, my baby has forgiven me and now I can forgive myself. I can do that because what Jesus did for me was enough. Thank you for helping me see that.”
Sarah wrote after her retreat:“I’m truly a different person since the retreat. The fear, guilt, shame and anxiety are gone!! I never thought being free would feel this FREE! I have peace and joy like I’ve never known…And to think that I’ve been saved for nearly 15 years. I feel new all over again! I feel connected in a way I’ve never felt connected – to life, to others, to God. I notice a deeper compassion as well.”
These women are our friends, co-workers, sisters, and church members. Deeper Still is for women such as these who are ready to take the journey to true freedom and healing from the wounds of abortion. The Deeper Still retreat was developed by a woman who has had an abortion and who knows what it takes to make the journey to healing and freedom.
Gagged and Silenced
Often times, after an abortion, a woman will shrink back from speaking out on issues regarding human life because she has been gagged and silenced by the guilt and shame that hold her captive. When those shackles fall off however, the captive gets set free, and she begins to get her voice back. The women who have gone through our retreats can begin to encourage other women to come out from the shadows and live. Some of our participants have gone on to become part of our ministry team and others have reached out to women through other avenues.
Deception and Denial
Deception – Act of deceiving; state of being deceived
Denial – Act of denying; refusal to acknowledge
The following is written by a man named Bill. It reflects his own experience with abortion as well as what he has observed from other men who were the fathers of aborted babies.
Genesis 1:27-28 “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to be fruitful and increase in number…”
Just as differently as God created men from women and just as differently as pregnancy is for the woman than it is for the man whose child it is, – so it is that abortion impacts men much differently than women, but with equal, if not greater, consequences!
I sincerely believe that a spiritual stronghold of deception and denial concerning abortion exists among men today. I believe this because I have experienced it in my own life and fell victim to its destructive agenda! By God’s mercy He has opened my eyes to the truth and healed my heart from the wounds caused by my participation in a choice for abortion.
A man’s involvement in an abortion decision strikes against the very purpose for which he was created – to pro-create, to protect and to provide for life on this earth. These God-given character qualities shape the very identity of a man. When I chose to end the life of my child, not to protect his life, not to provide for his life, I made a choice to deny who God created me to be! I bought the lie that it was not my decision. I was deceived and denied my responsibility and my God-ordained purpose as a man. My heart and soul were damaged in a way that only God could heal and restore through the work of Jesus Christ on the cross!
It is my deepest conviction that God will not act to end abortion on the earth until men stand alongside women and acknowledge their sin before Him!
It’s time for men to be awakened!